To those who want to be themselves

For everyone that wanted to take a difficult path to get to the destination. For everyone that wanted experience to teach them the most valuable lesson in life. For everyone who needed guidance and will power to move on. For those who are in love. For those who want to be in love.

It's really hard when you find out the easy way.
I just wish he is a better liar.
I wish he could have kept it going till the day I don't exist.
But sadly, even if you don't want to know the truth it will present itself to you like a birthday gift that you are defenseless to resist.

It's a surprise that you never wanted. It's a gift that you wish you didn't open. It's a secret that you are not suppose to know. I just wish my dream can continue...

I've been in a lot of relationships, all failed by the way. The first boyfriend I had, I was 18, I used him to get the attention of the first love of my gay life. That's my bad, I know it's not right, I know this might get back to me one day, but still I'm just a kid back then, in short, I didn't care. The second boyfriend I had, I was 19, was far too different. I loved him, he loved me, all sparks are in the air when we met. It's like all the light in the world was on us and we were just floating in the air. All the signs point to the right direction. It's like magic... but i guess magic will not be enough for a relationship to last. Love on the other hand is a very important thing in the relationship however it's also not enough, and I'm not willing to give up that easy but he was. this brought me to my first tears of a broken heart. Third one is really just short-lived, I was 20, we met on a casual night out with friends. Introductions were properly made (making out was part of it), this happened a week before my birthday. "We" became "us" a little faster than I expected, and a week after my birthday not surprisingly "us" became "me"... again.

Now this is the fun part. I am now trying to breathe independence, in and out of my lungs, I started to work. A lot of things happened during this time, too busy for boyfriends so flings would do. Too busy to meet friends so social networking became a lifestyle. Too busy to visit home, so hanging out was my favorite past time. Party was my favorite word, friends are all around me, living my life one day at a time seems to be the perfect way to describe such lifestyle. I am alone, I am free, I am living the life I thought I will not have. I am brave enough to conquer my fears. I am being myself. I am loving this city more than I should. Time is flying by my side, I couldn't care because I'm too tired to care about it. I was 22.

The fourth guy in my life was from the familiar land of Los Baños. We met, we made out, we were happy. It was a tiring 5 months of fighting, arguing, jealousy, doubt, disbelief, anger, hatred and finally infidelity. This was the mark of an ending relationship.

I'm making another paragraph for my fifth "partner"(I was 23), this is the only time I used this word because it fits perfectly. This entire paragraph is by far, the best chapter of my life. We chatted online for about 3 hours (I normally don't do that), we spoke on the phone for more than 2 hours (this was the longest time the phone receiver is in my ear), we bid goodnight to each other with a promise of meeting tomorrow morning. The sun rises in the east, I woke up ecstatic, empowered, alive and looking forward for the acquaintance. I got up, washed up, dressed up and ready to go and all of a sudden I was already there. I am waiting patiently for the text message from him saying "I am here", then my phone rang and when I finished reading the message there is this beautiful boy smiling, walking towards me. My heart is pounding so hard I cannot hear anything but the loud thud in my chest. I was kind of hoping it is him, and indeed he is! We walked out of the bookstore and find a place where we can sit and talk. I hope he didn't notice me trembling while walking alongside him. I could see he is as nervous as I am. Waiting for the first one to talk, I broke the silence. We chatted and we found a lot of information, things we both love, activities we can have fun together, we bonded instantly. We sat, we laughed, we connected, we opened up to each other, we told each other some secrets, we told the truth about each other. We found each other... This happened in less than twenty four hours that we're together. We parted ways, we said goodbye, and I'm so happy that day, I prayed that night, I prayed that if he is as happy as what he made me then he could be the one for me. The following day I was very excited to meet this very lovely person for the second time. I can't wait to see him again. We are about to have our first official date. We watched a movie, we ate our dinner, then we head for a cup of coffee before going home. We were just talking about how things were when we met yesterday we are laughing again, giggling about how we instantly became friends got close and be secure with each other. While drinking our coffee I suddenly reached for his hand under the table and holding it gently but firm, he leaned towards me and said yes. He told me that the night after we first met, he asked for a sign if he was doing the right thing. He asked that if I will hold his hands the second day that we meet he will not be mistaken that I will be the right one for him. I was surprised to hear that. I had no clue this will happen so fast, there are butterflies in my stomach now. I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm nervous, I'm shocked, I'm overwhelmed. I'm in love... Our dates became frequent, the days that I don't have work I will definitely spend with him. The days that I cant sleep I will call him. The days that I have free time, it will definitely be spent going to where he is. I'm not myself if he is not near me. At least thinking of him whenever I miss him will sometimes suffice. Talking to him over the phone whenever I can. Staying awake just to make sure I will meet him at the end of the day. He became my world and became his. Another chapter in our relationship was meeting the family. It was odd we thought since you know, we're both boys. We waited for the right time, then the perfect time came, It was a family gathering. He met me before going to the party, we walked together, we entered the venue together, we took time to look for his mom, and then I was introduced "officially". This was the farthest I've ever been in terms of a relationship. I fell in love with his whole family. He was now more than a partner to me. He is now more than what I have dreamed of. He was just my world before, and now with his family in our world, I felt like I am ready to let go of all the fears and all the doubt and all the things that can keep the relationship apart. Everyday I felt like I was becoming a part of their family as well, I'm very much in love, I'm very much ecstatic, I'm very much complete. He is my other half, without him, I won't feel whole, I will feel empty, I will parch, I will suffer, I will wither, I will die. Then we started feeling fear again, I started having doubts, he started feeling hate, I started feeling jealous, he started having second thoughts, I started to have fights with him, he started to drift away. I started to follow him, he continues to float away, I tried to reconcile, he wanted for this to work, we both did. It was a tragic story between us, however there were no regrets on my part. I did everything I could, I only failed to account all his efforts, he did try to do everything to save "us" as well. We decided to let it be, and start our lives all over again. I cried that day, and the day after and all the days of the following weeks. I even cried every month for 15 months after he left me. I even cried every now and then whenever I dreamed of him. I don't know why I do that, I guess this was the most hurtful thing that happened in my life. Time flies so fast... I was 27...

I am now turning 28.

Missing You

You can only miss a person so much. I think my time's over. Dawn breaks; Its time for the moon to return to its proper place and let the sun shine once again in your life. I choose to love you in silence... For in silence I recieve no rejection nor should I bother of what it is that prevents us from being together - its just that we can never be together. I choose to love you in loneliness... For in loneliness, no one owns you but I. I choose to adore you from a distance... For distance will shield us from pain. Still, I love you and I just can't help but do so... I choose to kiss you in the wind for the wind is gentler than my lips. I choose to hold you in my dreams... For in my dreams, you have no end.

Forever. That is what you are to me.

In all honesty, I find it hard to believe that I will ever love somebody the same way I loved you. Thanks for the experience, I loved it while it lasted. I can't help but smile during those times that you threw me out of focus - those times that you made me panic as to what I could do just to appease your tumultuous heart. Thanks for those times that you almost destroyed my sanity. I always knew it was done for anyway. Thanks for all the times you smiled back, made those funny faces, commented on things, and wasted your free text messages on me. Thanks for all the phone calls, all the emails, and all the small things that you did. Without them, I may have not even been sure that I really loved you. And most of all, thanks for being honest.

Thank you for putting me back on track. You would be a constant reminder for me not to love anyone more than myself. Maybe you were right: Love is an attachment... to someone who'll never be yours. Love is something we will never have...something we'll never experience. The sun maybe up, but the moon does not vanish. It may wane, yes, it may even seem to fade. But one thing is certain. It remains in its sky...